However, then I realised he was talking about the interview the two alleged spies had gave yesterday and not the nonsense that Boris and Theresa have been spouting!
Let's be straight these two guys came over as the Chuckle brothers of International Espionage in that TV interview and if that is the best the Russians can supply they need to seriously think of upping their game and employing Johnny English or Austin Powers.
So, at the risk of coming over as a second-rate Detective Columbo and as he would say, "There are a couple of loose ends I'd like to tie up. Nothing important you understand".
They alleged useless assassins say that they didn't go to Stonehenge as it was covered in snow. The MSM have pounced on this by showing CCTV of Salisbury with hardly any snow on the ground, but last time I looked Stonehenge is not in the centre of Salisbury, it is 10 miles away. There is also plenty of evidence that Stonehenge was closed because of snow including a tweet from English Heritage itself on the Saturday saying it was indeed closed. So that appears to be a fact.
I note there is loads of CCTV of them walking around Salisbury but there are certain vital bits which are missing including clips from Salisbury Cathedral. I see the bishop has entered the fray this morning but it is no surprise there is no CCTV as the visit was over 6 months ago and again does not prove they are guilty or innocent does it? The two alleged assassins say they have photos of themselves at the cathedral, so why don't we ask to see them? Then that part of the mystery will be solved.
The police do have CCTV of them walking past a garage 500 metres from the Skripal house but so far, they have not provided any witnesses from the cul-de-sac where the Skripal's lived to say that they saw the two men walking up to the front door. In fact, let's be clear the Police have provided absolutely NO evidence that that two men were in the cul-de-sac at all!
Surely if the nerve gas is so deadly, as I said in a previous column, they would have had to wear rubber gloves and probably masks as they sprayed the door knob. Did they put these on as they walked the 500 yards from the petrol station CCTV camera to the door?
Then of course there is still the question to be answered about why none of the coppers who stood outside that front door for weeks on end with no protective clothing on have not fallen ill or died?
We know from previous statements and CCTV that the Skripals left their house in the cul-de-sac at 9.15 on the Sunday morning. There has never been any mention of them coming back, until now and the Police have or cannot provide any CCTV of them driving back past the garage etc although they were caught by three separate cameras when they left home.
If the Police knew they had come back why did we have all the stupid stories about the deadly nerve agent being sprayed on them in the park or on the pizza? Why did the police not ask about them coming back? Why have the police never mentioned in any timelines before that they returned home? By now Columbo would be scratching his head and saying "I don't think it's proving anything Doc, as a matter of fact I don't even know what it means. It's just one of those things that gets in my head and keeps rolling around in there like a marble".
Why, after administering the deadly nerve agent on to the door handle, did they go window shopping after walking straight past the train station? Why did they seem more interested in looking at old coins in a shop window than hot footing it out of town and making their escape? And just how did the perfume/nerve gas get back in the sealed container that Junkie Charlie said, in a TV interview he found and gave to his girlfriend?
READ MORE: Strange Skripal Case Becomes Stranger Still
Columbo always had plots that involved clocks being set back or seemingly impossible timelines, which the villain had concocted in an attempt to prove they could have not been the murderer, but Columbo always saw through them.
So just what would he make of the fact that we have seen acres of CCTV of Petrov and Boshriov sauntering around Salisbury but Charlie and Dawn Sturges, along with the Skripals all managed to avoid largely any real CCTV coverage?
Of course, the MSM and the Police have pounced on the fact that there were novichok traces found in the hotel bedroom that they stayed in, and yes, this does need an answer but not necessarily the answer the performing seals of the MSM want.
Surely the question has to be why wasn't this hotel sealed off, if the park bench was so deadly and we are paying millions to buy and demolish the Skripal house even though we now know the nerve gas was only on the outside of the door why hasn't the hotel been quarantined? Or is it like the citizens of Salisbury being told to wash their clothes and use baby wipes to clear the contamination whilst police cars are buried in deep landfill sites?!
However, it is the conjecture, lies and frankly implausible story lines that her Government has fed us that heave been the real insult to the public's intelligence.
Finally, in true Columbo style let me say as he did at the end of most episodes, "One more thing" what would happen if Putin now called the UK governments bluff and persuaded the two men to come to Britain and stand trial?
Would Theresa May really want that? Because that would mean Sergei and Yulia and of course his handler Pablo having to take the stand.
Yes, I know she has been bleating on about wanting them extradited but as I said here, days ago, she said that in the certain knowledge that the UK does not have an extradition treaty with Russia so there wasn't a cat in hells chance of it happening. But what if, just what if, Vladimir Putin offered these men up?
Maybe I have got his completely wrong but in the words of my favourite detective, "I worry. I mean, little things bother me. I'm a worrier. I mean, little insignificant details — I lose my appetite. I can't eat. My wife, she says to me, "you know, you can really be pain."
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