Published by conservative website IJReview, Schlichter's "What Defeating ISIS Would Look Like" was described by Drew Salisbury of music and culture site Death and Taxes as "a 4,000-word piece of right-wing erotica filled with so much pornographic violence that I'd be worried about whether it's safe to have Schlichter out among the general populace if I weren't laughing so hard."
In it, hypothetical President Marco Rubio fires the head of US Central Command for a weak plan to defeat IS, and instead calls in a retired Marine known as "The Wildman" – a mysterious character who Gawker calls "the John Holmes of this death porn."
— Kurt Schlichter (@KurtSchlichter) November 17, 2015
To backtrack, Rubio was elected in 2016 in the wake of terror attacks on American shopping malls. While a retired schoolteacher with a Glock 19 and an insurance salesman carrying a Kimber M1911A1 stopped the attackers from killing more than six people in Phoenix and Dallas, "hundreds of defenseless Americans were massacred in gun-free shopping malls in Los Angeles and Chicago," Schlichter writes.
— FUCK EM UP SQUANTO (@Bro_Pair) November 18, 2015
Rubio's call to the Wildman, who is on a Florida golf course after being forced into retirement by the timid and ineffective President Barack Obama, goes as follows:
"General, this is the President. We need you. I am ordering you off the retired list and back to active duty as CENTCOM commander, effective immediately. I want to see your plan for the total destruction of ISIS in 72 hours. Your rules of engagement are simple. Wipe them out."
The first part of the Wildman's strategy, called "Operation Linebacker III," results in US aircraft leveling the IS-controlled city of Raqqa, in Syria. Rubio's orders call for the Wildman to act with no regard for any of the civilians among the 220,488 people in Raqqa.
"You will attack aggressively in order to destroy all ISIS forces in Iraq and Syria. You will kill all ISIS fighters who do not surrender. Your priority is the destruction of ISIS forces. The safety of civilians is secondary."
The air campaign is followed up with a ground assault, complete with the return of Vietnam-era napalm.
— Matt Christman (@cushbomb) November 17, 2015
"The jihadis initially attempted to dig in, believing the Americans would pause to root them out of the urban areas. Instead, the Americans leveled the towns, often using the napalm that had just been reintroduced into the American arsenal, and followed up with infantry. At first, the jihadis tried to hide behind the few remaining civilians but the Americans never hesitated, and ISIS quickly learned that to try to hold ground meant a swift death."
— I'm a cop. (@TurdGuy) November 17, 2015
US forces are supported by the Kurds, who are armed thanks to cargo planes carrying a seemingly endless supply of weapons and ammunition.
"The Iraqi prime minister called the President to complain that he had never given permission for any of this; the President informed the Iraqi leader that America wasn't asking."
Throughout the two-month war, the White House published daily body counts, which "horrified liberals, but delighted the American people." By the end of the war, the president’s popularity had surged to 80% and "the final body count was 26,763 ISIS fighters dead."
The piece has already inspired fan fiction.