Their pioneering report into how we've "successfully gained a foothold in Scotland Yard by hiring a veteran crime reporter with access to senior officers" has blown the lid off of our top secret spy school which we have been running from our London and Edinburgh offices.
A Kremlin-controlled news service has gained a foothold in Scotland Yard by hiring a veteran crime reporter with access to senior officers https://t.co/L5IqEQb1zo— The Times of London (@thetimes) December 26, 2017
We confess to training and developing one of our reporters, a member of the National Union of Journalists and the Crime Reporters Association, with over 20 years of experience of working across the British media, on how to be a spy.
We do, however, deny rumours that we have hired Harry Potter as part of our Hogwarts division. That is widely speculative, although we are keen to look at ways in which we can use magic to spread our 'Kremlin propaganda.'
We would be interested in learning how we can better ourselves as a propaganda agency and we would be keen to learn from the masters of this craft at The Times and Herald. Perhaps Dominic Kennedy, the Investigations Editor at The Times, would like to visit our offices and give us a master class on how he has perfected the art of spreading disinformation?
Once Dominic has recovered from his severe bout of cold war syndrome, we would implore him to come and see us. He can even bring the crayon set he uses to write his articles with.
We are concerned that this serious illness and affliction is affecting the work of journalists at The Times and Herald. We are enormously flattered that you are obsessed with us. However, we appeal to you, for the sake of your subscribers and readers, to take off the red bandana and stop watching, Rambo III, James Bond, Rocky VI and Hunt for Red October and report real news.
We wish your reporters a full and speedy recovery and hope you enjoy the rest of the festive season. But please, remember never to say Sputnik three times while looking into the mirror. Or the Russians will come and get you.
By Sputnik Editorial Team