How to Win an Election, Hillary Clinton Style

© REUTERS / Brian SnyderUS Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton walks offstage at a campaign rally in Sanford, Florida, US November 1, 2016.
US Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton walks offstage at a campaign rally in Sanford, Florida, US November 1, 2016. - Sputnik International
Here are Ten Surefire Ways You Can be the Next Wall Street President!

1. Harangue and harass your rightful voters, wagging your finger like a school teacher reprimanding a naughty six year old.

Former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton speaks in Washington. (File) - Sputnik International
Democratic Candidate for US President Hillary Clinton
2. Show the utmost sneering, withering contempt for people who disagree with you.

3. Embed yourself as tightly as possibly within Wall Street and the Military-Industrial Complex…

I mean, what could possibly go wrong?!

4. Hypocritically disavow such ties, even going so far as to say that anyone who thinks you can be influenced by corporate lobbyists doesn’t know you very well.

5. Construct elaborate, wildly implausible conspiracy theories about ‘hostile foreign powers’ who are ‘trying to throw the election.’

6. Take the worst vices of your own party and project them onto the other party. (I mean hell, you will probably be telling the truth, anyway!)

7. Disingenuously present yourself as a ‘progressive,’ or at least as a ‘moderate,’ when you are actually part of the ‘Far Center’ of Utopian Warmongering and Radical Geopolitical Engineering.

8. Milk your status as a member of an oppressed group, and accuse all your opponents of being bigots who want to sustain the unequal status quo. Oh, and don’t forget the next bit!

US Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton speaks at a campaign rally at Pasco-Hernando State College in Dade City, Florida, US November 1, 2016. - Sputnik International
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9. If other people point out that Muslims, Arabs and citizens of Middle Eastern countries are also oppressed, just like women are, you can always just laugh at them, scream at them, or stonewall them with the utmost withering contempt.

After all, anyone who opposes you is obviously a hypocritical bigot who doesn’t really care about inequality at all. Otherwise they would support you, and not the other guy.

Oh, and by the way! Last but certainly not least…

10. Start preparing for jail.

If you only have the sense take all these measures, you too can be the next Beast of Benghazi or Most Humbly Exalted Global Savior of Our Common Humanity!

I mean, what’s the worst that can happen?!


The views expressed in this article are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official position of Sputnik.

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