Update: End of the world cancelled by Putin with 15 hours left

This message goes out to the citizens of the world, since I work for the “world” service and the end of the world would mean the end of my job and the jobs of all of us engaged in internationally related spheres of employment, management, the government and President Putin have decided to cancel the end of the world until a later date, perhaps in another 4.5 billion years or so.

World's End of the World News

China has been conducting mass-arrests because they know the end of the world will not be taking place and to ensure the safety and the well-being of their citizens. So far over 500 people have been arrested. According to the Xinhua News Agency the 500 all belong to a cult called the Church of God the Almighty with at least 400 arrests being made in the north-western part of the country, in the Qinghai Province.

The internet is full of speculation which department of the Chinese Government carried out the arrests with rumors spreading that it may have been a super secret department named department X, which is in charge of interplanetary security and is in contact with extraterrestrial civilizations.

There are reports on the internet that the agency responsible for the crackdown is the notorious department 610 which allegedly controls dissident and sect like “spiritual” groups who undermine the state and the security of the Chinese people.

The Church of God the Almighty believe that God is a woman and that only she can save the world from the coming of the Red Dragon, which will obliterate mankind. They have been spreading panic and rumor which has caused much pain and suffering among the Chinese population, hence the need to arrest them.

Meanwhile President Putin made the decision to use the super-top-secret-direct-dial-phone to God for the second time. While the administration will not say whether God is in fact a woman, a man, or a little green alien, President Putin did say that the end of the world has been cancelled and after intense negotiations with God the decision was made that it will occur "… In 4 or 5 billion years.” The president stated that the end of the world will occur when the sun runs out of nuclear fuel which is not controlled by the Saudis, “The 'sun is a reactor', so to speak, it is going to exhaust its fuel and life is going to end.” The president was brave in his view of the event saying: “So if you look at it from this point of view… I’m not frightened by that."

So people of the world relax, set your countdown timers to 4.5 billion years from now. I am attempting to get the exact moment of destruction but government sources are not giving many details about the call and Putin’s arrangements with the All Mighty Being, or commission, as the case may be.

In America the media has internalized the end of the world and made it a case of the end of their American Dollar, which should be a relief for Americans. The world will not end but the American economy will and their dollars will soon be worthless but the government will start printing more dollars and provide them to populace for free so that they may use them as fodder to light fires to warm their foreclosed upon homes when the entire power grid collapses do to lack of funds.

According to the site WND Faith the end of the world will not happen but their meteorologists predict temperatures on Friday to be in the low to mid 1,000 degrees Fahrenheit. The sites attempts to ease the fears of the public by restating NASAs conclusion that the end of the world will not occur. US President Obama has not been able to get a hold of God as the White House hotline phone was disconnected under President Bush and the US has not been able to clear the backlog of negative Karma and spiritual depravity in order to get the phone turned back on. There were secret reports that even the White House line of Karma credits was blocked by God’s Earth Commission.

There are reports that Obama attempted to get Netanyahu’s secret number but when CIA agent’s obtained it from the Mossad it was also blocked due to arguments over Christ. There are rumors that Iran’s line was active but they refused to allow Obama access.

So dear reader, relax, have a cocktail and plan to be at work tomorrow. On time! There will be no end of the world in 15 and a half hours.

Previous articles regarding the December 21, 2012 End of the World belief:

UPDATE: 13 days, 20 hours to the end of the world

29 days to the end of the world